28 May 2006
Same person as before posted comment: reaction to revision
i only have 4 words. AM PRINTING IT OFF!
thank you for the im about the revised version.
This is brilliant yep have my copy in hand. I think this will make a good performance piece. i run a performance group locally, only once a month, but next month will read it out so will let you know how it goes. am impressed. APPLAUSE TO YOU i will drop in from time to time yep will put you on my list to watch out for as well. You really have done an excellent revision.
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That makes me so happy! *Grin*
27 May 2006
Edited Version: That Kind of Courage
It’s the way that you sing
How you fearlessly tremble
It’s the power you bring
As you tearlessly rise
It’s the power you have
To stand up and speak
It’s the source of your power
That only you reach
It’s a well deep inside you
That pools in your words
The glistening thunder
Life in a word
It’s inspirational living,
An unstoppable urge.
How can you sparkle
So connected to others
How is it you smile
And laugh like no other?
I love to feel you;
Your power and song
No other lecture
Can linger so long
It’s the things you can touch
The freedom you bring us
It’s blissful rapture
A sudden spring shower
When you get up to speak
I sit down to listen
We watch you, unwavered
As you demand our attention
You stumble and stutter
And you slip in the rain
You tuck away tears
As you hide away pain
I’ve never been able
To move at your pace
Your strength is astounding
Your perseverance is grace
It isn’t success
Which you eventually reach
But how you never quit trying
To love and to teach
It’s that commitment
That draws me to you
You fail and try harder
Things I’d never do
It’s that kind of courage
I admire the most
It’s your kind of courage
I wish I could boast
14 May 2006
Comment
ok i think you have a good write here but it just goes on and in places left me wanting it to end..
You stumble and stutter
And you slip in the rain
You get back up
And just move forward..
perhaps this will help explain what i felt ... the first 2 lines have some power i was looking for more in the 3rd line the flow goes into oh yeah and you just move forward...so what...i guess i was thinking i really want to be hit between the eyes with so strong words...if this makes any sense i do think you have a very good write here just needs to be tightened up a bit...take out some of the and the little words that can weaken a write not really needed to impart the meaning and keep it strong....still i did enjoy the thoughts behind it. attitude give me attitude... thank you for sharing and please keep the ink flowing...always in peace & harmoy.
I received this comment on the previous poem at allpoetry, and I was delighted! This is the kind of comment that I needed, it's very useful. It's not much that I didn't know, but it's helpful. I intend to fix the poem up sometime soon.
Yet another poem: That Kind of Courage: Editing
It’s the way you sing
How you fearlessly tremble
It’s the power you bring
As you tearlessly rise
It’s the power you have
To stand up and speak
It’s the source of your power
That only you reach
It’s a well deep inside you
That pools in your words
The glistening thunder
Life in a word
It’s inspirational living,
An unstoppable urge.
How can you sparkle
So connected to others
How is it you smile
And laugh like no other?
I love to feel you;
Your power and song
No other lecture
Can linger so long
It’s the things you can touch
The freedom you bring us
It’s blissful rapture
A sudden spring shower
When you get up to speak
I sit down to listen
We watch you, unwavered
As you demand our attention
You stumble and stutter
And you slip in the rain
You get back up
And just move forward
The above stanza's a bit jammed. The last two lines at least
I’ve never been able
To move at your pace
Your strength is astounding
Your perseverance is grace
It isn’t success
That you eventually reach
But how you never quit trying
Or fear a fall
Okay, that last line just plain sucks
It’s that commitment
That draws me to you
You fail and try harder
Thing I’d never do
It’s that kind of courage
I admire the most
It’s your kind of courage
I wish I could boast