14 May 2006
Comment
ok i think you have a good write here but it just goes on and in places left me wanting it to end..
You stumble and stutter
And you slip in the rain
You get back up
And just move forward..
perhaps this will help explain what i felt ... the first 2 lines have some power i was looking for more in the 3rd line the flow goes into oh yeah and you just move forward...so what...i guess i was thinking i really want to be hit between the eyes with so strong words...if this makes any sense i do think you have a very good write here just needs to be tightened up a bit...take out some of the and the little words that can weaken a write not really needed to impart the meaning and keep it strong....still i did enjoy the thoughts behind it. attitude give me attitude... thank you for sharing and please keep the ink flowing...always in peace & harmoy.
I received this comment on the previous poem at allpoetry, and I was delighted! This is the kind of comment that I needed, it's very useful. It's not much that I didn't know, but it's helpful. I intend to fix the poem up sometime soon.
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