28 January 2006
Lingering Shadow: Editing
no matter how much I push
and try to force you away
you still remain here
lodged in my heart
etched in my memories
lost in my dreams
echoing in my thoughts
That part seems to long, it disrupts the flow.
no matter how I try to resist
and deny your aid
Hmm, seems a bit out of place.
you still remain here
hiding within me
searching for something
I claim not to have
and yet, every time
when I think of you,
you slip through my fingers
and flee from my grasp
you are my future,
my present,
my past,
every time I reach for you
I clasp empty air
every time I call to you
and dream of you,
my dear,
I really like this part, it ties together nicely.
I cannot escape you
and yet you’re beyond my grasp
That line is to long.
I know I can't have you
and hold you close to me
Try some alternate beginnings, and doesn’t do the sentiment justice.
but every time that you are in sight,
my feet go forwards
my arms reach out
and I fall flat on my face dear
And is unnessesary, dear needs some punctuation-to be seperated.
and you are gone
Again, alternate beginning, maybe then? Or end in once again. (Still excluding and)
but in spite of that,
because of that,
I will never stop chasing
I'll follow forever
This is good, especially the first two lines.
traces still linger
haunting my soul,
More blunt and defining than the rest of this, possibly too much so.
if you refuse to leave me
I refuse to move on
After the last two lines, these seem out of place, just too shoved in there.
I will keep trying to catch you,
forever my dear,
my demon,
my shadow.
This is good, but it might need another line, as in “my future, my present, my past” Or is that just an urge to rhyme? (Maybe: my fear; that's you my dear; the dream that lasts?)
Read or Post a Comment
<< Home